Faith and Doubt.

Every time I try to get up, every time I try to have some faith, I am knocked back down, making me question my faith, question my beliefs, question the point of my existence. Is the fight really worth the effort? I am told God might be testing me, but this test has been going for about 10 years now, if this is a test, I give up. I can’t take no more. All I get are challenges, with no results, no awards, no breaks whatsoever.

I used to pray 5 times a day, hoping someday he might hear me, but yet things escalate in the same direction… Down! No matter what amount of effort I put into it, it’s never enough, and in the end, all I get to hear is that I should have tried harder. What’s the whole formula here for trying hard enough? Because the way it seems to me there’s always some shortcoming, there’s always something to put all the blame of failing on. Or is it hard enough only when the result is satisfying?

I have often had suicidal thoughts, yet I keep on pushing, hoping for a ray of light at the end of the tunnel, hoping to find my cloud with silver lining, hoping it’s not just a mirage but a reality, yet at the end it all just dissipates in thin air making me feel like a fool for even believing in anything. Yet I keep going, taking suicide for a cowardly way out of any situation. And yet it seems to take an awful amount of courage to take one’s own life.

Am I to blame here for believing in a better tomorrow? Or should I lose whatever little amount of faith I can muster? What’s life without faith? Yet, what’s faith without result? And how do you go on without any faith? How do you take each day head on, if you have no faith? Yet how can one retain his faith, if each fight ends with no positive result?

I know giving up now will if nothing else be a total waste of the effort put up till now. I have held on for this long and I will keep on hoping for things to get better. I have lost and regained my faith many times over and I know I will regain it this time too. Yet, I wish I would get some sign, some more reason, some trust in me. Anything to keep the strength to keep on fighting!

The Perfect Partner...

What’s with this whole idea of the perfect partner or a soul mate? The One or Mr. Right?

From The Symposium by Plato “Humans originally consisted of four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces, but Zeus feared their power and split them all in half, condemning them to spend their lives searching for the other half to complete them.”

Who am I?

Last night while watching ‘Prayers for Bobby’, I started remembering back when I was going through something similar. The first guy I had a crush on, and I couldn’t exactly understand my own feelings for another guy. When I came out to my mom and the events which rolled out right after. From the long psychological therapist sessions to the praying, sometimes I’d wake up in the middle of the night

No Title!

I’m not going to give this any title, coz no matter what I think of, it just doesn’t sound appropriate enough. I met this guy last night, let’s just call him Ali. I’ve been talking to him for a couple of days and this was supposed to be our first date, anyways, went to see him right after office and I dunno why but it seems like all my best dates starts and ends miserably… I was stuck in traffic on the way there so finally reached 45-ish minutes late and I was rather astonished to find him waiting for me.

No Conclusion!

Why do people even bother to talk when they are going to leave things hanging in the midst? And if they ever do return, it’s with such obviously lame excuses that you may just want to shoot yourself in the head to get rid of all the stupidness!

In Dedication to Z.

The other day this guy messaged me on ‘mj’, somebody I had dated a long time ago. Apparently he’s back in Karachi and missing me… How can a person, who dated you for a week and then dumped you for another guy, miss you?

Intro:

Okay, so people think I can write well and I should consider taking this up as a hobby. Me, I just enjoy typing out long sms and having never-ending chats on msn :) so yeah, I guess I have a thing for writing.

I have often thought of putting my thoughts down in writing, but never quiet finished anything I started, every time when I start proof reading something, it all sounds like a bunch of gibberish, and more than anything it never sounds like me. So, this time I am going to write as I think of it, no editing, will try and let the words flow as they come to me.

Another issue I have often faced, every time I sit down to write something… Topic!! What to write on, conversation is easy, words just flow and with getting a prompt response from the other end it can keep on going forever. But this is complicated, how am I supposed to express myself when I know not what the person or persons at the other end might be feeling? And it’s not even intended for any specific person, but too general.

So please spare me some feelings when reading anything in this or any follow up blogs, knowing it’s the first time I ever wrote anything :) and you hereby take sole responsibility of any consequences whatsoever of reading this :p