No Title!

I’m not going to give this any title, coz no matter what I think of, it just doesn’t sound appropriate enough. I met this guy last night, let’s just call him Ali. I’ve been talking to him for a couple of days and this was supposed to be our first date, anyways, went to see him right after office and I dunno why but it seems like all my best dates starts and ends miserably… I was stuck in traffic on the way there so finally reached 45-ish minutes late and I was rather astonished to find him waiting for me.

Let’s forget the character/person for now. Looks wise he was at least a hundred times better than I could have imagined. If I were to look at it looks wise I was shocked to know that he was even interested in meeting me let alone the kiss. You see, I hadn’t seen his picture before meeting him, although he had seen mine, I usually don’t ask people for their pictures, but mine is kinda easily available for anybody to look at. Anyways, I don’t really believe in physical attractiveness for relation, I think what matters is the character/chemistry. Oh… Relation… Even when we were talking earlier he had made it clear a dozen times that he was not looking to get into anything complicated, (I wish I had listened to him).

Anyways, like it goes mostly, it went this time too, we talked… walked a bit together… kissed… All in all, it was pretty damn good. Except I have this issue with emotions, I can’t control them, and so the dreaded happened and I had started to develop feelings for him, knowing completely well how he was against it.

After it all when I sms-ed him, to just get to know how he felt, he didn’t wanna meet again. Yet like any mature minded educated person, he had the guts to talk to me on phone for over an hour to explain how he felt and frankly I don’t blame him. It was after all his first time, and well, if anybody ever wanted to NOT get into this shit I would totally support him. But this time it was coming from a person I was starting to have feelings for, yet I told him I was fine with it all and that if he didn’t want to get into the physical act, I totally understand.

But that’s not the truth, inside, in a way I loathed him, detested him, hated him… I am hurt, yet not sure why?

I do still totally support him if he wants to stay away from this. But still I want him with me. All that happened after the date was beyond what I could have expected, who actually calls these days to apologize for this? Normally the people I come across just turn to ignoring the ones they have no interest in. He was decent/adult enough, to have a conversation over it. Funny thing is, I didn’t even try to convince him otherwise, I totally accepted what he said (only to have an emotional breakdown 24 hours later). But now there were all these feelings bubbling inside me and I wanted to say so much to him yet I couldn’t find the words to explain exactly how I felt. One thing though I knew for sure, I didn’t want us to grow apart over this. But yet this other part of me couldn’t stop hating him.

He said a bunch of stuff I can’t agree with, except one thing is stuck in my head. ‘Love destroys everything’, that's not true really, its not love that destroys anything, its the expectations, the possessiveness, the wanting to talk 24/7 that makes everything difficult. Although I do agree, we are in no place in our lives to have feelings for each other, there are goals to achieve, dreams to accomplish and this emotion crap just gets in the way. In the end destroying everything and with all that it itself dissipates as well. And all that coming from an 18 yr old was rather astonishing! Maybe it’s just me, but young guys usually seem to be more into all this love drama (with the exception of me obviously :p 26 yr old love sick drama queen).

You know, I am hurt, deeply, but only because I was falling in love with him, But it had nothing to do with physical attraction. I’d feel the same way for him even if we were to continue it via sms. It’s pathetic really, and that’s the worst part, I couldn’t tell him how much I’d be interested in him even if we could never touch each other. Even if we couldn’t kiss. I still felt the same way.

So I mustered up the courage and told him all that was troubling me tonight, I told him how I was starting to feel for him and I told him how it was making me feel, but I think I made a mistake, I told him we should stop talking as that would only make matters worse for me. And I was wrong there, yes, I need time AWAY from him to clear my head of any such feelings but I know in the long run I will regret this. All I needed was a couple of days at max to get emotionally stable.

I don’t know if after all this I’ll ever have the courage to face him again, I did treat him rather roughly. But I know if not today then tomorrow or the next week, finally I will face him, coz once before I was madly in love with this other guy, who today is one of my… oh wait no. Not one of my, but rather... who today is my ONLY best friend, love you Dee :p and that much I am certain about, if I can totally get over this emotional bull shit, I’d be missing out on a great friend.

So after all is said and done, how come I end up at the same place every time? It’s been ages since I’ve been controlling my feelings and once I let go of them I end up exactly at the same spot again... Again lying in the dark, loathing myself for having let my emotions take control of me...