Every time I try to get up, every time I try to have some faith, I am knocked back down, making me question my faith, question my beliefs, question the point of my existence. Is the fight really worth the effort? I am told God might be testing me, but this test has been going for about 10 years now, if this is a test, I give up. I can’t take no more. All I get are challenges, with no results, no awards, no breaks whatsoever.
I used to pray 5 times a day, hoping someday he might hear me, but yet things escalate in the same direction… Down! No matter what amount of effort I put into it, it’s never enough, and in the end, all I get to hear is that I should have tried harder. What’s the whole formula here for trying hard enough? Because the way it seems to me there’s always some shortcoming, there’s always something to put all the blame of failing on. Or is it hard enough only when the result is satisfying?
I have often had suicidal thoughts, yet I keep on pushing, hoping for a ray of light at the end of the tunnel, hoping to find my cloud with silver lining, hoping it’s not just a mirage but a reality, yet at the end it all just dissipates in thin air making me feel like a fool for even believing in anything. Yet I keep going, taking suicide for a cowardly way out of any situation. And yet it seems to take an awful amount of courage to take one’s own life.
Am I to blame here for believing in a better tomorrow? Or should I lose whatever little amount of faith I can muster? What’s life without faith? Yet, what’s faith without result? And how do you go on without any faith? How do you take each day head on, if you have no faith? Yet how can one retain his faith, if each fight ends with no positive result?
I know giving up now will if nothing else be a total waste of the effort put up till now. I have held on for this long and I will keep on hoping for things to get better. I have lost and regained my faith many times over and I know I will regain it this time too. Yet, I wish I would get some sign, some more reason, some trust in me. Anything to keep the strength to keep on fighting!
